I’ve been on a permanent diet roller coaster in my head my whole life. Every Monday I would start and tell myself this was the week I would change my life around, I was going to stick to it for sure, I was going to get the body I wanted, I wasn’t going to be bloated anymore, I was going to buy the clothes I wanted to buy, I was going to stop feeling like a failure etc etc. Now I never actually followed a diet as such as I knew what I had to do, I accepted where I was going wrong and didn’t make excuses so every Monday I planned to be good, stop eating all the food and shit and become fabilis. Of course by Monday night I had failed and fallen off the wagon and gave up until the following week because there was no point anyway. I would then spend the rest of the week kind of “trying to be good” but failing miserably and then I would feel so guilty and get really annoyed with myself because once again I had failed so I might aswell eat ALL the food.
I used to get so pissed off with myself, I had brought 2 kids into the world, ran a really successfully business, had beaten breast cancer and recovered really fast from serious surgery but yet I couldn’t control my relationship with food. I wasn’t massively over weight because I was always trying to be good so I kept it in check but always felt deprived, I wasn’t the type to sit down and eat 5 bars of chocolate not that I didn’t want to, I would have demolished them if I let myself but I was always being strict but getting nowhere. It constantly felt like I was in a vicious circle and it was a constant battle of wills in my head. Looking back now it was no way to live. I knew myself what I had to do, I didn’t blame anybody or anything else, yes I had an under active thyroid which made it harder for sure but I knew if I really made changes & tried I could change.
I felt bloated, tired, sluggish, old, past my sell by date, I had reluctantly accepted this was what a nearly 40 year old mom looked and felt like and it felt like shit. That bloated roll of fat around my tummy was constantly on my mind, my clothes never felt comfortable, I had to buy baggy tops all the time to cover my belly which made me look older and frumpy. This wasn’t me, I didn’t even feel comfortable going for a power walk or run as all those sports tops stick to belly fat like fxxkin glue, WTF is with that?? Maybe they make them so you feel so fxxking disgusting in them you run faster? Anyway to make a long story short I got sick of feeling like shit and if I felt like this at 40 what the hell was I going to feel like at 5o, 60 etc. I thought life was supposed to start at 40? All I had was a feeling of impending doom and it was all going downhill, I couldn’t spend the next half of my life feeling like this. When I was lying in my hospital bed after surgery I swore I was going to live life to the max, I had been given a 2nd chance and here I was feeling like a frumpy auld one and something just clicked.
I’ve never been so determined in my life to change “ME”! Do you know what, I wanted to see what it felt like to be my “best” for once in my life rather than always wishing. I’ve always yo-yo-ed with weight and always carried that extra bit and was always a bit fluffy. I remember one time in my 20’s being very slim and I still remember to this day how it felt, it felt fxxking amazing and I always questioned why I didn’t keep that feeling and stay that way, why did I let food win all the time when it didn’t really make me happy. I needed to accept why I was always fluffy and struggling and just change. It was really that simple for me, I’m lucky in that I work in food so I understand it, I know how to cook, I have access to really good quality ingredients, I can cook healthy dishes just aswell as creamy rich dishes. The bottom line was I really had no excuse and I gave myself a good talking to and kick up the arse and decided there and then that was it. I had 9 months to my 40th birthday, food was no longer going to hold me to ransom and it was now or never…
I got rid of the mindset life is too short not to have such & such a thing and changed it to life is too short not to feel fxxking amazing everyday. I want to be a good example for my 2 girls and no Mars bar or slice of cake is going to stop from me getting to this far off land that only special skinny genetically lucky people make it to. To be honest I had no clue what was ahead of me as I had never ventured this road before but by god was I determined. I wish I could tell you once I made this decision that it was really easy, it was so tough those first few weeks. I can genuinely tell you I felt depressed a lot of it, I had given up all the things I loved and the funny thing is I still allowed myself have them at the weekends but it was just the fact I couldn’t have them when I wanted, I was so used to turning to food and a glass of wine for comfort I felt a bit……LOST!
I kept questioning myself why was I doing this when I felt so bloody miserable, I went through a pretty shit time (you can read about it here)a few weeks in and normally I would have turned to wine and chocolate for comfort and when I didn’t I knew that was it, I was in for the long haul and I was so bloody proud of myself. I turned a corner after that, the main change for me was not giving up. Before I would start, fall off and give up but this time even if I didn’t have a perfect day I would start again “tomorrow” so everyday I started tomorrow. Everyday didn’t go to plan but I would start again the following day and as time went on I didn’t have to keep re-starting, I started to be in control of what I ate and not the other way round for the first time in my life.
Changing habits of a lifetime doesn’t happen overnight but if you stick with it and stay consistent, slowly but surely you will start to see results. You have to understand this is a change for life and not some quick fix diet like you have tried before. You will fall off and hit the floor but this time you will pick yourself up, dust yourself off & keep starting. As time goes on healthy choices begin to feel normal and right and you don’t feel like you are punishing or depriving yourself. It has taken me well over a year to get to the holy grail of relationships with food and I’m sporting a VIP pass to that far off land where the genetically lucky people hang out but I just worked fxxking damn hard to get here as did they I have since realised, nobody is born lucky no matter how much we try to convince ourselves…
p.s there’s 4 years between the 2 pics above x